Thursday, May 31, 2012

Kids being Kids

One day I came down from having a shower and found this lovely mess.  A few days earlier Aftyn decided to cover her face in Band- Aids and then she painted her eyebrows with mascara.  I didn’t get that good of a picture of the mascara since Cam was already washing it off.  All of these things have a common denominator, but I won’t point that thing (or extremely cute 3 year old) out.



We always take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for their second birthday.  We started this tradition with Kaylynn because Paytyn was born that year and we wanted Kaylynn to feel special too.   Since all of our kids are about 2 years apart it has just become this thing that we do.  The kids love it of course, so every couple of years we brave the nasty pizza and head to Chucky E Cheese.  This year was no different, though it’s little things like this that make me miss Xander a whole lot.  We decided to go during the week this year and it was a great choice, because there was hardly anyone there.  The kids basically had the run of the place and they all had a great time.  Well except when Chucky decided to visit the birthday boy that didn’t go over to well.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Xander Cole 2 Months

I can’t believe it has been 2 months since Xander was born…and died.  Time goes by so fast, I often wish I could relive that way to short time that we had him.  To kiss him, to hold him, to just be.   But I can’t.  Over the last two months I have come to realize that I have joined a “club”  It’s a club no one wants to have membership to, but one that you’re welcomed in with open arms and lots of tears.  It’s made up of women from all walks of life.  Women that I mostly don’t know, and will never meet.  But I will forever be grateful for their kind words and support.  It’s amazing the bond you can feel with someone you don’t know, simply through the shared experience of losing a child.  There is no judgment, or questions there’s just love, acceptance and tears.  

I went to my 6 week check-up in Seattle and while it was really hard to be there, talking to my doctor was really, really good.  She let me know that I was right where I should be in my grief, and mostly she just validated how I was feeling.  

Random thoughts and feelings.

So I haven’t written much over that last few weeks, mostly because I didn’t want to for whatever reason.  I don’t really know myself.  But I feel like it today so here it goes.

First, We have 6 children, not 5.  Xander feels just like all our other kids to me.  I shared something with him, something that I haven’t and can’t share with all our other kids.  I shared with Xander every single second of his life.  From conception to death, Xander and I were never apart.  I feel very, very blessed to be his mom and to have had the opportunity to share his life with him.  I hope I was what he needed me to be.

I was talking to my mom on Mother’s Day and she was saying that she wished she could help me more, take it all away or fix it.  I think that was one of the hardest things for me, the moment I realized there was no fixing it.  It happened, Xander was born and he died.   And while I do know that I’ll see him again, it still hurts that I can’t be with him now.  And it’s okay that it hurts, it’s okay that I’m sad and it’s okay that I wish it were different. 

Guilt.  Someone once asked me if I ever felt guilty.  Yes.  I carry a lot of guilt where Xander is concerned.  I know in my head that I shouldn’t, but I do.  It should have been a safe place for him to be and for whatever reason it wasn’t.  I feel like I let him down.  There is other guilt too, but I don’t want to write about that.  It’s just something I have to deal with. That’s it.

Dreams.  Never mind I don’t want to write about those either.

The other 5 kiddos.  I have often made the comment that having the other kids helps a lot.  It helps in a distracting, I have a million things to do kind of way.  But it also is harder in a knowing kind of way.  Let me explain better.  Basically I know exactly what it is I’m missing.  I know exactly what it feels like to hold a new baby, to watch them grow and be mesmerized by them.  It’s hard to know.  Example.  I was giving the younger kids a bath one night and they ran out of shampoo, so I went to the hall closet and was looking for more. In our linen closet we have a basket.  That basket has been sitting there for all of the 7 years we have lived in this house.  In that basket is baby stuff, baby powder, lotion, oil, etc.  As I looked at my favorite brand of baby lotion, all of these memories washed over me of my other children and what if felt like to take care of them as babies.  And that’s when I realized sometimes it’s harder to know. 

Uncharted Territory.  We are headed to a place I wasn’t ready for and a place I wasn’t planning on being in yet.  The no diapers, no crib, no baby place.   Since Xander wasn’t suppose to be born yet, and I wasn’t really expecting him until June.  I’ve decided to put off dealing with that until later. 

Helpful things.  Sunshine, it’s been sunnier here than it normally is, I have been very grateful for that.  And Cameron also wrote down Xander’s blessing and when I read that, it really, really helps.  It reminds me again and again what a blessing he is to our family, and what a special guy he is.  I often have had this feeling that Xander is a blessing to us and that he blesses us in ways I just don’t understand.  I often remind myself that I really haven’t lost anything.  Xander is our son, he will always be our son.   I like to think of it as the longest pregnancy ever.  The time between when he died and the time I get to see him again.  It’s funny the things you’ll tell yourself to get through a day or a moment.

Trust.  I have realized more and more that this is a lot about trust.  I trust that this is the best plan for our family.  For whatever reason, it’s the way it’s suppose to be. 

A change of perspective.  The first Sunday I went to Relief Society after Xander had died, we had the lesson on the Immortality of the Soul. (seriously horrible timing)  It also happened to be Easter Sunday.  And of course with Easter and with that lesson, people share the good news of the atonement, the realization that through Christ we can overcome all and return to live with Heavenly Father.  There was a lot of joy and gladness.  How we can be happy about death because we know Christ overcame the grave. The scripture in 1 Corinthians 15:55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? Kept coming up.  And while I know all of that, and I truly, truly believe it.  I have even felt the peace of the reality of it.  I just was NOT in that place.  I was not happy, or joyful.  I kept thinking, death does sting, it hurts.  It’s horrible.  It bugged me all day, the next morning it was still nagging at me, I thought that it was saying I had to be happy about this thing that had happened.  That I should just be fine about it.  And then God whispered to me what it really means, he changed my perspective, instantaneously, it was like a little light went on.  I realized he was talking about later, after this life, when Xander and I are together again. If I can endure with faith and make it to that place through the grace of Christ’s atonement, one day I will stand with him and we will be able to say “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”  And if you read the few verses before that particular verse it’s obvious, but I’m glad he taught me that day what I was missing.  Now I have the hope of the atonement through faith in Christ.  My sorrow can be swallowed up, he can heal me and I can get through this and I can be (and am) happy. BUT like I said earlier, it’s okay that it hurts and it’s okay that I’m sad.  Jesus wept and so can I.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Marriner James 2 Years!!

Marriner was born on May 9th which also happened to be Mothers Day that year.  He also shares his birthday with 2 of his cousins.  And after having the 3 previous births be quick and easy I was very annoyed that Marriner took his sweet time joining us.  But we are so glad he did.  Marriner is all boy.  You will rarely find the little guy with out a car or train in his hand.  HE LOVES THEM.  He even sleeps with them from time to time.  Marriner also loves sports of any kind, and coloring.  He mostly uses the walls, chairs, cabinets, floors for his works of art.  He has redecorated the bottom 3 feet of our house quiet nicely.  Smile   Marriner also has an extreme attachment to his Dad.  Once Daddy is in view, Mommy is a  distant memory, most the time it doesn’t matter, but it can make Sunday a little bit more challenging as Cameron sits on the stand.  Marriner is also quite the linguist.  He started talking from a very early age and talks a lot.  I think it’s so funny to hear a 2 year olds point of view on life.  Because he will tell you, and in full sentences.  It’s not just “No!” to Marriner when you ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do it’s “No mommy!  I don’t want to do that right now.”  It cracks me up still, being obstinate is hilarious in full sentences from a 2 year old or less than a 2 year old as he as been speaking like this for a while now.


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

6 weeks

I have been dreading this day.  I have to go to Seattle for my 6 week follow up appointment today.  I don’t want to go. I really, really don’t want to go.  Does anyone want to pretend they’re me and go instead??? I haven’t written about how I’m doing for awhile now, mostly because I don’t want to.