Xander Day

Cameron took today off work, so I started the day off hiding under my covers and crying my eyes out.  Then my sister came and watched the little kiddos while Cameron and I went to the temple, we stayed a long, long time it was really nice just to sit in the celestial room and soak in the peace, comfort and love.  It was hard to leave, but since we can’t actually live there we finally left and went to lunch.  After we got back I made the birthday cake and we mostly just hung out with the kiddos until dinner.  We went out to a new place called The Melty Way, it serves gourmet grilled cheese, a perfect place for kids, they all loved it.  Then we had the cake, I debated singing Happy Birthday or not, I didn’t think I could do it, but after thinking about it and going to the temple I could do it.  Because it really is his birthday, even if he isn’t here, and who knows maybe he heard us.   Then we all blew out the candles.  We put on 30 one for every minute of his life.  Then we took a family picture, we haven’t taken one since his memorial, I just wasn’t ready yet, but now I think I’d like to get a real one done. I feel like ending the day like it started so I think I will.

 

Dear Xander

How can it possibly be a year, a year since we met you, and held you.  I wish I could live those moments over again, even though they were hard, they were the most precious moments  of my life.  Telling you I love you, seeing you move your little arms while your dad snuggled you.  The only memories I have of your life, are of your birth and then death that’s hard, I wish I had more. But nothing short of a lifetime would ever be enough.  I can still remember what it felt like to be with you, I might not have a lot of memories to draw from, but the feeling in that operating room when you were born was like nothing I have ever felt before, you’re so bright,strong, and valiant such inadequate words but I don’t know how else to describe you.    Sometimes I close my eyes and wrap myself in those feelings and memories and I can almost see you, see the valiant man that you are.  We talk about you often and miss you like crazy.  We love you so, so much and can’t wait to hold you again.

My love always,
Mom

How are we?

I don't feel like stabbing myself  in the face when people ask me how I'm doing, so that has got to be better right? Well we wrote a lot as you can see about our experiences and I still plan on writing another post about how this day went, what we did etc.  For the most part we are doing okay.  I told a friend the other day that I think it has gotten as good as it’s going to get.   I’m mostly okay, a little more sad than I use to be, but mostly at peace.  I could imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this and I’m good with that.  A year ago I was drowning in a sea of my own wretchedness.  Now I’m not, so that’s better.  But I’m not perfect, the last few days have been hard, more crying, well sobbing really.  Gut wrenching sobbing. I could feel the anger creeping back up on me, even though I have let that go.  I was trying to find a cake to make today, because it’s his birthday and the kids want to celebrate, but as I was looking at different recipes and ideas, I just couldn’t find anything.  Then the bitterness crept in a little or maybe a lot and I thought. Yeah, none of these cakes really express how I’m feeling, like my heart is broken, why aren’t you here?, I want to beat my face in with a hammer.   So then I cried some more, took a deep breath, and prayed until I felt better and then picked a cake.  It’s not like I don’t want to celebrate his life, I do it’s just hard. I really am doing way better, I just want you to also know it’s not easy and I do have my moments of idiocy. I’m not perfect, plus our son did die, so maybe my idiocy is earned.

Xander Cole…1 year later

I can’t believe it has been a year since we met you and held you. The last year has been pretty horrible, I didn’t know a person could hurt that badly, and still walk around it’s indescribable really.  I year ago I would have said that losing a child unfortunately doesn’t kill you, now I can say surprisingly it doesn't.   But it does kill parts of you, but you learn how to live with those dead parts.   Overtime I have learned how to wrap them in a cocoon of hope and faith and live, but I can still feel them, and they’re heavy and at times still overwhelming, but not so sharp to carry.  I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone who hasn’t lived it but that’s how I feel. 

Someone once asked me a couple of months after Xander died if I had learned anything from our “trial”, I said “Yes, I learned something, I learned that it SUCKS when your child dies!”

But this is what I have come to learn over the last year.

First I learned what real pain feels like, and I learned how to understand it in/for others.  I’ll never be grateful that our son died, or be happy about it or say looking back “I’ve learned a lot and I wouldn’t change it” all those sentiments people think and say after going through a particular hard thing.  But I am grateful that I understand grief better, and hopefully I can be of a little help to someone else someday.

 I learned that there are things that I can be grateful for, if I look for them I can find them.

I've learned that often times people dismiss the pain over losing a baby, like it's not as sad or as hard for us because he was a baby when we died and we didn't have him that long. I want to say to that, imagine any of your children, imagine the day they were born, what it was like to hold them for the first time.  Then what if someone had taken them away from you a mere 30 minutes later.  Are you telling me you would be okay with that?  I truly don't understand this sentiment, but I deal with it. 

I also learned I don’t have to be happy about him dying, (I am so not going to explain this very good, but I’ll try) So the first Sunday I went to church after Xander died was Easter Sunday, the lesson in Relief Society was the Immortality of the Soul.  The teacher of the lesson proceeded to talk about how we can be happy in death.  Okay, so it had been about 12 days since Xander died and I had felt a million different ways, but happy was never one of them.   I remember thinking, this is crazy I am NEVER going to be happy about this.  I’ll be forever grateful for a sister in our ward who then raised her hand and said basically that grief was okay and we are going to feel it anyway so we should just let ourselves go through it and not be too hard on ourselves for feeling the way we do when someone we love dies.  But this thought that I had to somehow come to be happy about him dying was really, really bothering me I couldn’t figure out how I was suppose to ever be happy about this thing that had happened.   Then the next morning I had a “light bulb” moment.  I finally figured it out, I don’t have to be happy about Xander dying ever.   The happiness is in the knowledge of the Atonement, the gospel the good news the fact that I will hold Xander again, the fact that Christ did overcome the grave that is where the happiness is.  When Cam and I hold Xander again then we will have a fullness of joy.  I felt such a burden lift off my shoulders that day, He really can make our burdens light, if we let Him.

I little note about grief, I learned that it’s a process and just because you pass through one part of it doesn’t mean that won’t find yourself there in that part again.  I learned it’s okay to be angry, hurt and sad it’s what you do with those feelings that will make the most difference in how you progress down the path of grief.   Isn’t it so awesome that we can love someone so much that it hurts so badly when they die.  What a blessing love is.

I learned that you can be happy and sad at the same time, and that is pretty much where I am now.

After Xander passed away almost immediately, Heavenly Father tried to teach me something.  What He quietly told me over and over again was that we hadn’t really lost anything.  That feeling came to me so often in my darkest moments along with the unbelievable feeling of peace.  You haven’t lost anything, you haven’t lost anything, you haven’t lost anything.  I was like a little mantra that kept beating it’s way into my skull.  I’m grateful for it because I know it’s true.  Xander is our son, he was born to our family and we are his parents.  No, he isn’t going to be sharing our Earthly life, but eternity compared to our time on Earth is so insignificant. 

Next, He really keeps his promise of comfort.  In John 14 it says
vs. -18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
vs.-27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

We of course wanted to Xander to get better and live with us, but that wasn’t God’s plan for us or for him.  Even though that prayer wasn’t answered the way we had hoped, never once in the last year has my prayer of peace and comfort gone unanswered.  I feel myself sinking into the darkest moments of my life and then I ask for help dealing with Xander’s loss and I get it and I get it immediately, peace fills my heart and I can breath once again.  I will forever be grateful for his healing peace and comfort.  I couldn’t do this without it and without Him.  Plus I have the opportunity to share it with all of you.  I know that scripture is true because I have lived it the last 12 months.  Losing a child is not something you could get through unless you have that peace, I have literally felt Him holding me all together.  I could have easily shattered into a million pieces, but He never, ever left me comfortless and even though I didn’t get the miracle of healing for Xander that I wanted; I have felt in real ways the miracle of peace on a broken mommies heart.  What a blessing.

I learned a lot about trust.  Putting my faith and trust in Him and his plan for me and our family, goes along way in keeping the despair at bay.  Sometimes I literally have to say it out loud, “ I trust you” it helps. I’ll never know the why of Xander’s death but I do know I trust Him with our family and his plans for us.

I’ve learned he loves me and knows me personally, God isn’t some unknowable being. He loves me and knows me in all my faults and failures, and I can know Him.  And because he knows and loves me, he can give me comfort and peace.  I can feel that deep inside me and I’m grateful.

I’ve had small glimpses of the future, it’s like I can almost see it, feel it, but I can’t totally grasp it. He teaches me that there is an unimaginable blessing in store for me if I prove faithful, a blessing so big I truly can’t even begin to understand it.  I know that Xander is a blessing to us and not just because he is one of our children and I know it has to do with the “why” of his death.  It’s hard to explain.

I also know that one day my joy will equal my pain.  That was an interesting thing I learned.  Some of these things I’m talking about came quietly to me overtime, but this one was dropped on me one day, it was very clear.  You know opposition in all things, well I know that one day as deep as my pain is/was my joy will also be that deep, and that is a whole lot of joy.  Not everyone will get to know that kind of joy because they never experienced this kind of pain. I knew that, but I never connected it on a real personal level before.

There are some more personal things I have learned too, about myself and who I am.  I can do hard things, even if I don’t want to.  There are other things but they’re a little too personal to share on the blog about the person I really am, and the person I’m going to be.  He wanted me to have these experiences for a reason.

 I miss him so badly sometimes it’s hard to breath but I will do this and I can do this, but only with help for Him.

Xander–Daddy’s Thoughts

This is my first blog post on our family blog, but I think it would be appropriate to share my feelings about my son Xander today.  I am not terribly open with my feelings, but I thought that I should share the experience I had around the birth and death of Xander.  The journal entry below was written a couple of weeks after Xander’s birth.

 

Xander Cole Southam

In an attempt to record my experiences, thoughts and feeling on the birth and death of our little boy Xander Cole, I am writing this journal. I am not sure how much of this to share publicly, but this needs to be recorded for the benefit of my family and myself.

I will start at the beginning, which for me is pretty much right after Jaime gave birth to Marriner, our second son and fifth child. Jaime seems to have limitless patience for children, in particularly ours. I am not as richly blessed with that as she is and I felt that once we had Marriner, he would be our last child. As he approached about 1 year in age Jaime began to talk about having another child and tried to warm me up to the idea. I was very hesitant and wouldn’t give it much thought. I would always try to divert the conversation, sometimes for entertainment and sometimes because I wasn’t comfortable thinking about it. My greatest fear was the answer that I would receive. Jaime is usually pretty sensitive to the whisperings of the spirit and I always sort of knew – way back in the darkest corner of my mind – what the answer would be. As I softened my heart and began to think and pray on the matter, the answer came quickly to me that we should have another child. This answer was accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of calm, which was different than any other time that we had decided to have another child. Also, it was made known to me that this baby would be a boy. That was a very new experience for me as I was typically wrong about who was coming next to our family. At first I thought that maybe the thought was just wishful thinking, but the impression that this would be a little boy came back to me time and time again. The other reoccurring theme for this pregnancy was the sense of calm that always accompanied me at every new development.

Jaime and I decided that we would hold off telling anyone else, including our children, for the first little while. Then at nine to ten weeks into the pregnancy Jaime’s health took a turn for the worse. She needed to have her gallbladder removed through surgery. The medicines used during the surgery, we were told, might have an effect on the development of the baby but the likelihood was unknown and expected to be very low. The surgery was a success and Jaime returned to better health, but Jaime did have trouble coming out of surgery and that was very scary to me. At this point we decided that we would wait to tell anyone, even our other children, about the pregnancy until we saw the baby on the 20 week ultra sound. The 20 week ultra sound was performed on Jaime’s 33^rd birthday and that is when we first learned of complications with Xander’s development. It was also apparent to us that he was a boy. He was diagnosed with Non-Immune Hydrops Fetalis, which can have about 80 different causes. We were referred to a specialist in Seattle (Dr. Cheng) who began to perform as many tests as were prudent for our baby. The cause of the sickness was never found, but this sickness has many possible outcomes, so I was still very optimistic that our outcome would be good. The good feelings about this pregnancy came back and attended me very often, which was a great source of strength for me and for Jaime because I was able to be positive and strong for her – or at least that is my view and I hope that was the case for her. I began to fast every Sunday and prayed more times than I can count. I continued to receive the reassuring feelings that what was happening was supposed to happen and that it would be for our good.

During our interactions with the staff at the hospital, we spoke to a social worker who talked to us about all possible outcomes and what we should do to plan. I decided that I would explore the planning for some of the less desirable outcomes so that Jaime’s mind might be left to dwell on the more positive outcomes. I found it weird to be looking at different funeral homes and looking at different urns – we had decided to cremate Xander if he were not to live so that we might have him with us throughout life and bury him with Jaime at her death. I thought, “This will be funny someday to be able to tell Xander that I was actually planning his death before I even met him.” I really, truly believed that Xander would be with us for an extended amount of time on this earth.

At this time I began to further seek for comfort from God through prayer and received that same sense of calm. However, I began to have thoughts and feeling that if Xander wasn’t going to make it, and that was God’s will, that I needed to prepare for that as well. I never dwelt on those thoughts and feelings. I didn’t ever want them to be real in any degree. To me, that would be giving up on Xander, giving up on the doctors and giving up on my faith in miracles. I decided I would reconcile those feelings only after that was the outcome for our little boy.

During our struggles, Jaime came across the following article written by Laurel Christensen:

Last week one of my dear friends had to remind me of truths I've talked about here before.
Sometimes, when life throws you a little curveball, you just need someone to call you out on the fact that you're forgetting truths you know.
She might have been stern with me... I'm so glad I have friends like that.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago that was a game changer.
Do you know the kind?
When things feel turned upside down?
And the next day I was sad and confused and unsettled and worried.
That night one of my favorite people on the planet said something so profound, so simple, so true:

"Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday."

That was it.
Period.
End of discussion.
End of the tears.
And I woke up the next morning enveloped in the most unbelievable peace.

We each have a story.
And while we can do things to alter that story,
And while others can do things to alter that story,
God is the editor.
He intervenes when He needs to.
He adds a sentence here and there.
He erases.
He fixes.
But the story is all part of His plan.
And I simply do not believe in a God who turns a page and gets surprised.
I do not believe, for example, He spent any time last week saying, "Wow. I'm shocked. This is so not how I thought this was going to turn out for her." (And not just because God wouldn't use "so" like that.)
No.
Rather I believe in a God, my Heavenly Father, who is so involved in every detail of my life that He spent time this entire last year orchestrating things in such a way to have them play out exactly how He needed them to.
Exactly how He knew I needed them to too.
He intervened as needed.
He added a sentence here and there.
He edited.
To get the story just right.
When I can let myself believe it, I feel the deepest sense of peace.

There is a plan for your life.
There is a story that is yours.
JUST. YOURS.
And your story is where it's supposed to be.
The chapter.
The page.
The very words.
He knew exactly where you'd be right now.
And the beautiful promised ending of your story is already written.
Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday.
And, oh, that future is good.
SO. GOOD.
I promise that is true.

Blessed be the Lord... there hath not failed ONE WORD of all his GOOD PROMISE
1 Kings 8:56

Blessed by the Lord, indeed.
What He has spoken, He has spoken.
It is already written.
Even when it doesn't feel like you can believe it...
It's still true. That's how truth works.
That's how God works.

On March 16^th, Jaime was up on her feet all day and her right leg swelled up to about twice its size. I had her stay on the couch all of Saturday and Sunday with her feet up to help the swelling go down and stay down. She had also noticed that over the last several days Xander wasn’t moving as much as he had been. On the morning of March 20^th, Jaime had an appointment with her doctor in Bellingham to monitor her blood pressure and Xander’s heart rate. Both were not as good as had been in the past, but they didn’t alert us to anything. Jaime did some shopping and made her way home and I made my way back to work. We had been preparing for Jaime to go the hospital in Seattle on Saturday the 24^th for extended monitoring and possibly staying in the hospital for an extended period of time until the pregnancy was completed. We had also prepared to have family up during the time after the 24^th to help with the kids if Jaime was out of town. After returning that afternoon, Jaime had a phone message from the doctor in Bellingham indicating that she should immediately go to Seattle and that they would be expecting us. She called me at work and I hurried home. We left the kids with friends. We weren’t sure what to expect from our trip to the hospital. Once we arrived they began monitoring Jaime and Xander to see what amount of stress was present. It was pretty obvious to us that he wasn’t doing well. Dr. Cheng came in and performed an ultra sound and let us know that Xander was not doing well at all. She told us that she could deliver him now and we could have a few minutes with him before he died or that she could wait and he would die in the womb. Then she strongly recommended delivering him right away because of Jaime’s worsening condition. She told us that there would be nothing that they could do for him. My heart sank. But I knew that if he were born to us he would always be ours because of our temple marriage. The decision for me was pretty straight forward. After Jaime and I talked we both concluded that he should be delivered so that we could have some time with him. I ran to the car and retrieved the camera that we had brought and called Jaime’s mom that Jaime would be having an emergency c-section and that Xander wouldn’t survive long. I wasn’t able to contact my parents because they were on their mission in Ukraine.

Jaime and I prayed together and I gave her a quick priesthood blessing. They moved Jaime right into the preparation for surgery and left me in the room to dress into the coveralls they had given to me and to put on the mask and hair net. I was in the room by myself for what seem like an hour, but was more like 15 or 20 minutes. I was worried for Jaime and very anxious and unsettled. I prayed again that everything would go well and that I would be able to be strong for Jaime and Xander, and I received comfort again. They brought me back to the operating room and Jaime still being prepped for the surgery. They began the c-section a few minutes later and it seemed to take a long time before the delivered Xander. Xander was born at 7:11pm and he was terribly swollen. I had not expected that he would be as swollen as he was. He was also a lot bigger than I thought he would be, but still small. His swelling really contributed to his size and weight. The doctors brought me over and had me cut his umbilical cord and wrap him up and take him over by Jaime. I don’t think that he ever took a breath, but he did move a few times and his little heart beat for about 30 minutes. I was able to hold him that whole time and I held him close to Jaime’s head so that she could touch him and kiss him. Her arms were connected to blood pressure monitors and IVs so that she couldn’t hold him. I wish she could have. She was able to put her arms up at different times and touch him. He responded to her touch by moving. I was able to give him a name and priesthood blessing very quietly under my breath. I wish I would have been louder so that Jaime could have heard, but my voice would have most likely failed me anyway. I blessed him with the name Xander Cole Southam. This is a name that came to Jaime in a revelatory manner before we knew that he was even sick. I had always wanted a boy with a name that began with the letter X and his middle name Cole is after one of my best friends growing up – Cameron Cole. I was impressed to tell Xander in the blessing that God had sent him to earth to receive a body and that he had done that. I was impressed to tell him that he was a great blessing to our family and that he was a great spirit who had proven himself before coming to earth and was needed in heaven to help in directing the work there. I was then impressed to release him from this mortal life and from his body until the resurrection when he would be reunited with us. Xander stayed with us for another 15 minutes or so after the blessing and then returned home to Heavenly Father. It was hard to hear the doctor say that he had died. Jaime was still in surgery at this point.

After Jaime’s surgery, they let us keep Xander with us in the hospital room. Jaime was able to hold him and I really broke down emotionally for the next 12 hours. Jaime seemed strengthened and uplifted and though she was sad and emotional was really very strong. It was a huge strength to me. We were able to give Xander a sponge bath on Jaime’s chest and that was a sweet experience. The doctors informed us that Jaime had lost a lot of blood in the surgery – 1.5 liters – and that she wasn’t out of the woods with her blood pressure and swelling either. It took me a couple of hours before I could call anyone. I called Jaime’s mom first to tell her and then called my sister Lynlee so that she could call everyone in my family. We were able to hold Xander, kiss him, rock him and be with him until we had them take him the next morning at 8:30. It was good to be able to be with him longer and experience him a little more. It felt as though he was still there with us in the room. It was hard to see him being taken away Jaime and I broke down again. It was during that night with Xander, that I came to understand the article above more and to understand the scriptures that say that Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. We don’t get to write our book of faith – how it develops or who we should become or what is needed for us to get there. That is because we don’t understand what is needed. We wouldn’t give ourselves the needed tests. Christ has felt all pain, trial and agony and understands who we are and what is needed for each of us. He is the editor, author or as Elder Brown put it the Great Gardener who knows what he wants us to become. My hope now is that my response to this trial is what it should be so that I can become who He wants me to be.

Jaime and I were in the hospital until the morning of Friday the 23^rd. Our good friends Susan Livingston, Keely Dick and Jill Reid stayed with our children and did really well with them. We are so appreciative. Jaime’s parents and her brother Jake and his son Dillon came up too, stopping at about 2:30am on Friday morning at the hospital on their way to our home. On the way home from the hospital we stopped at the funeral home to begin making arrangements for Xander. We also had been preparing to tell our children about Xander. Because we wanted to tell them in person, we had made sure that no one told them about Xander before we arrived home. The Kids took the news pretty hard though only Kaylynn, Paytyn and Tanner are truly old enough to understand what had happened. Saturday and Sunday we spent at home except for taking Paytyn to church for her baptismal interview with the Bishop. On Monday morning the 26^th, Jaime and I met at the funeral home to finalize the plans for Xander’s body and selected an urn that we both felt good about as well as a necklace for both of us. It was difficult and nothing felt like it was enough for Xander, but we both feel really good with where we arrived. Paytyn came home early from school as well because she was too sad. We ordered necklaces for all of the children engraved with Xander’s name and date (we call it his date because that is when he was born and died and to us that will always be Xander’s day). We had everyone watch a movie for Family home evening (The Princess Bride) and I took each child back one at a time to talk more to them about Xander and about their feelings and questions. I showed them the necklaces that we had ordered for each of them and gave them father’s blessings. Some of the council to the children in their blessings was that Xander would always be their brother and that they would meet him and get to know him more after death, that he loves them and misses them but that he is glad to be a member of our family. It was a sweet experience for them all and Marriner (who was with me for all of them) also wanted a blessing and sat very still during his. The children seem to be doing a bit better and we hope that they will be made stronger because of this experience.

On Friday, March 30^th, we received Xander in his urn and all of the necklaces that we had ordered. We had planned a memorial for him for the next day. Paytyn was baptized that night and the program was very simple and very sweet. Paytyn is such a sensitive and sweet girl. The memorial for Xander took place between General Conference sessions on Saturday the 31^st. We had the kids participate in selecting songs and giving prayers. Jaime and I both spoke – Jaime on where Xander is now and me on the Atonement. It was a sweet and simple memorial and it is apparent that the kids are still trying to find ways to deal with Xander’s death and understand it. I think that we all are struggling to some degree, but each day the feeling of being blessed takes the place of a small portion of the feelings of sadness. It is hard to believe that it has been nearly two weeks since Xander was born. Time marches on whether we want it to or not.

March 20th 2012

*This post is really sad, if you don’t like sad I wouldn’t read it but I need to get it out of me. 

March 20th 2012 started with a doctor appointment and then taking Marriner and Aftyn to playgroup then grocery shopping and it ended with the birth and death of our 6th child.  I have mixed feeling about March 20th in someways I love it because it is the only day I got to hold and meet Xander while he was alive, but it’s also they day he died, so it’s all a jumble of good and bad.   I didn’t ever share any of this stuff before so on his day I wanted to tell you a little bit about him.   Xander was born at 7:11 pm and died about 30 minutes later.  We don’t know exactly when his little heart stopped beating because of what he had it was hard to tell, the nurse would just check every once in a while with a stethoscope. But his death certificate says 30 minutes, so we are going with that. It’s so surreal waiting for it to happen, you know it’s going to and you know there is nothing you can do to stop it, and you try to soak up a whole lifetime of love in what tiny little bit of time you have.  That is still hard to deal with.  He was 8lbs 9 oz. and about 15 1/2 inches long.  He had a tiny bit of hair around the bottom of his head, kind of like an old man.  It wasn’t very much so it was hard to tell what color it was, but probably light brown it reminded me of the color of Paytyn’s hair when she was born.  I don’t know his eye color he was too swollen to see his eyes, or to cry, I never heard his voice.  I don’t know what he looks like really, another hard thing, I barely have any memories of him and I don’t really know what he looks like.  I wish I had pictures I could share, maybe of his feet, but I don’t and I hate it.  He laid quietly in Cam’s arms mostly not moving, he did move his arms a couple of times. That’s what I get, that’s my memory of him, of him moving his arms for the first and last times.  Then he was gone, but not really we could still feel him there, and because of what he had he looked the same too, death didn’t really change him all that much.  The very, very hardest part was feeling him get colder, and colder.  Sometimes when I was holding him I would try and cover him up or put his hat on, then I would remember it didn’t matter he was gone. I wish we would have kept him longer, at the time I felt like the nurse was telling us to “wrap it up” and that we had to let him go.  But later I found out we could have kept him longer, then I try and console myself with the thought that it doesn’t really matter because we weren’t going to be bringing him home anyway and it was just his body, his broken little body.  I could still feel him with us even after his body was taken away.  It was hard when I couldn’t really feel him anymore, and I always hope that I will again.  Everyday I wonder if it will be the day, the day I know he’s around us, the day I feel him again.

AHHH My heart hurts!

Paytyn Ann is 9!!!

We had a little family party for Paytyn’s birthday this year.  We had my sisters Jordan and Jenette and Jenette’s family and Cam’s brother Wayne and his family over.  We were very excited to share our birthdays with family this year!  It’s so fun.  We played games and ate dinner.  Since she was born in March she loves St. Patrick’s Day so she wanted to have a 4 leaf clover cake, lucky for me I own 2 heart shaped cake pans, then Paytyn decorated it.  I think she had a good time, and had lots of fun.