Xander Cole 7 Months

Well it’s been 7 months since last I held our little boy, man I miss him so much it hurts.  A couple of things this month. 

First, yes, I did hear the conference talk, and yes I liked it.  I thought he did a great job of relating what it feels like to lose a child.  There is stuff you just have to work through and with the Saviors help you can.  But there is always going to be a part of me that is sad forever, until I’m with Xander again.  And as his mother and as his parents, we wouldn’t have it any other way.  He’s our son and we want to grieve him. 

Second, I have never shared this before but we had Xander cremated. For the simple reason that we knew that we weren’t going to stay in Washington forever.  I didn’t want to stay in Northwest Washington, I was starting to really, really miss the sun and we had been looking for jobs ANYWHERE else for a long time.  And I knew that if we buried him in Washington that I wouldn’t be able to leave him.  So when we moved to Utah in July we brought all 6 of our kids with us, we didn’t leave one behind.  Xander actually rode next to me on the passenger seat.  His little urn is really, really tiny.  We have a shelve that sits on my side of the bed that we put him on, that also holds all of his other things, footprints, handprints, birth certificate etc.  Cameron and I both have necklaces that hold some of his remains, that we both wear daily.  Sometimes the kids play with baby Xander, they sneak into our room and get the urn down and play with him.  That makes me smile, the urn is made of metal so, no they can’t break it.  Xander is very much a part of our lives.  I appreciate those people who remember that, so thank you.  My mom is really good at doing little things that show he’s not forgotten.  Thanks, mom!

Third, I have noticed a change this last month in how I’m doing.  I can finally say that I’m doing better.  I still cry a lot, it still hurts beyond explanation, I still wish he were here, but I can say I’m doing better.  It was a year ago this month that we found out we were going to have him, I think about that a lot.  How excited we were, and also trying to figure out where in our tiny little house we would put him.  I also keep thinking as I see our new house go up that, I would give just about anything to have all 6 of our kids cramped into our tiny house in Washington then what we have now.  But, unfortunately in life we don’t get to choose everything that happens to us, and I still put my trust in God’s plan for our family.  Thank goodness we are a forever family and someday I will get that “family picture” with all of us in it.  We love and miss you, Xander boy.