Xander Cole 9 months

I really don’t have much to say but I do want to remember him today.   If he were with us I would flood this post with pictures of him and a list of his accomplishments. He’d be crawling, sitting up and eating real food.  And he should have only been six months. But I try not to go there because it doesn’t ever lead to anywhere good.  Our new doctor’s office called this month to set up his 9 month well child visit.  I missed the call so they left a message, I was hoping that when I didn’t call back that they would just drop it, but a couple of weeks later they called again.  Once again I missed the call, so I turned my insides to stone and called them back to tell them that he wouldn’t need his 9 month appointment, because he passed away at birth.  It was mostly my fault that this happened so I’m not upset at them it was just painful.  Sorry I’m not going to explain why it was mostly my fault.  Mostly because unless you have been in my position it would be really hard for me to explain it to you.

Randomness

I was watching a interview with one of the mothers of one of the children that was killed last Friday.  I remember watching her face and thinking I know that look, I’ve seen it in the mirror the last 9 months.  So, so sad for those families.  The interviewer even asked her how she was doing, (as you know my least favorite question)  and she expressed a similar feeling to mine, she said she hadn’t come up with and appropriate word yet.   In my opinion  that’s because there really isn’t one, there isn’t a word that I know of that is good enough to describe the intense overwhelming sadness you feel. There’s just not.

Christmas is next week and we have talked about ways include him in our family traditions.  We decided this year we will get him something and then every year including this one Cameron and I will write him a letter and place it in his stocking, the kids can write one too it they want. My parents send the kids money every Christmas and they want us to use Xander’s money every year to do/buy something as a family so we can remember him while we are doing something fun.  I thought that, that was a great idea and so sweet.  My sister just sent us a Xander Cole ornament for our tree it is so beautiful and just what we needed. Thanks Jordan!!!

Well we are not sending out Christmas cards this year, but I hope that you all have a very, very Merry Christmas!