Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Due Date

Well it’s finally here Xander’s due date and not only is it his due date but it’s also been 13 long weeks or 3 short months since he was born.  I’ve cried so much over the weekend that I feel kind of spent today.  Cam and I were just talking about him the other night, laying in bed just chatting about what we missed about him, how cute he was, how small and big he was.  How hard it was to see him die and not be able to do anything to stop it.  How you have this sense of trying to soak up a lifetime of living in the little time you have.  How it really wasn’t enough time.  How horrible it was to watch him get taken away.  We talked about other stuff too, stuff I have never shared because well it’s sad and hard.  How it really didn’t feel any different after he died as it did when he was alive.  The spirit was so strong it was the closest I’ve come to heaven on earth.  It was that feeling you get when a new baby is born times a million.  I can’t really describe it, but it was amazing and in a lot of ways I feel privileged that I had the opportunity to experience it.  Especially since we really didn’t lose anything.  Maybe we can’t see him but he’s real, he’s our son.  I love him, I miss him, but he is ours. 

We love you our little Xander boy.

Xander feet

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2 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today. Tears are flowing and I sooo wish things could be different.

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  2. Sending extra prayers and comforting thoughts...I love you. Xander will always be yours. Sammi said her prayers last night and prayed for you and Xander. It was so sweet. Know we are here...

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