Xander–Daddy’s Thoughts

This is my first blog post on our family blog, but I think it would be appropriate to share my feelings about my son Xander today.  I am not terribly open with my feelings, but I thought that I should share the experience I had around the birth and death of Xander.  The journal entry below was written a couple of weeks after Xander’s birth.

 

Xander Cole Southam

In an attempt to record my experiences, thoughts and feeling on the birth and death of our little boy Xander Cole, I am writing this journal. I am not sure how much of this to share publicly, but this needs to be recorded for the benefit of my family and myself.

I will start at the beginning, which for me is pretty much right after Jaime gave birth to Marriner, our second son and fifth child. Jaime seems to have limitless patience for children, in particularly ours. I am not as richly blessed with that as she is and I felt that once we had Marriner, he would be our last child. As he approached about 1 year in age Jaime began to talk about having another child and tried to warm me up to the idea. I was very hesitant and wouldn’t give it much thought. I would always try to divert the conversation, sometimes for entertainment and sometimes because I wasn’t comfortable thinking about it. My greatest fear was the answer that I would receive. Jaime is usually pretty sensitive to the whisperings of the spirit and I always sort of knew – way back in the darkest corner of my mind – what the answer would be. As I softened my heart and began to think and pray on the matter, the answer came quickly to me that we should have another child. This answer was accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of calm, which was different than any other time that we had decided to have another child. Also, it was made known to me that this baby would be a boy. That was a very new experience for me as I was typically wrong about who was coming next to our family. At first I thought that maybe the thought was just wishful thinking, but the impression that this would be a little boy came back to me time and time again. The other reoccurring theme for this pregnancy was the sense of calm that always accompanied me at every new development.

Jaime and I decided that we would hold off telling anyone else, including our children, for the first little while. Then at nine to ten weeks into the pregnancy Jaime’s health took a turn for the worse. She needed to have her gallbladder removed through surgery. The medicines used during the surgery, we were told, might have an effect on the development of the baby but the likelihood was unknown and expected to be very low. The surgery was a success and Jaime returned to better health, but Jaime did have trouble coming out of surgery and that was very scary to me. At this point we decided that we would wait to tell anyone, even our other children, about the pregnancy until we saw the baby on the 20 week ultra sound. The 20 week ultra sound was performed on Jaime’s 33^rd birthday and that is when we first learned of complications with Xander’s development. It was also apparent to us that he was a boy. He was diagnosed with Non-Immune Hydrops Fetalis, which can have about 80 different causes. We were referred to a specialist in Seattle (Dr. Cheng) who began to perform as many tests as were prudent for our baby. The cause of the sickness was never found, but this sickness has many possible outcomes, so I was still very optimistic that our outcome would be good. The good feelings about this pregnancy came back and attended me very often, which was a great source of strength for me and for Jaime because I was able to be positive and strong for her – or at least that is my view and I hope that was the case for her. I began to fast every Sunday and prayed more times than I can count. I continued to receive the reassuring feelings that what was happening was supposed to happen and that it would be for our good.

During our interactions with the staff at the hospital, we spoke to a social worker who talked to us about all possible outcomes and what we should do to plan. I decided that I would explore the planning for some of the less desirable outcomes so that Jaime’s mind might be left to dwell on the more positive outcomes. I found it weird to be looking at different funeral homes and looking at different urns – we had decided to cremate Xander if he were not to live so that we might have him with us throughout life and bury him with Jaime at her death. I thought, “This will be funny someday to be able to tell Xander that I was actually planning his death before I even met him.” I really, truly believed that Xander would be with us for an extended amount of time on this earth.

At this time I began to further seek for comfort from God through prayer and received that same sense of calm. However, I began to have thoughts and feeling that if Xander wasn’t going to make it, and that was God’s will, that I needed to prepare for that as well. I never dwelt on those thoughts and feelings. I didn’t ever want them to be real in any degree. To me, that would be giving up on Xander, giving up on the doctors and giving up on my faith in miracles. I decided I would reconcile those feelings only after that was the outcome for our little boy.

During our struggles, Jaime came across the following article written by Laurel Christensen:

Last week one of my dear friends had to remind me of truths I've talked about here before.
Sometimes, when life throws you a little curveball, you just need someone to call you out on the fact that you're forgetting truths you know.
She might have been stern with me... I'm so glad I have friends like that.
I had an experience a couple of weeks ago that was a game changer.
Do you know the kind?
When things feel turned upside down?
And the next day I was sad and confused and unsettled and worried.
That night one of my favorite people on the planet said something so profound, so simple, so true:

"Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday."

That was it.
Period.
End of discussion.
End of the tears.
And I woke up the next morning enveloped in the most unbelievable peace.

We each have a story.
And while we can do things to alter that story,
And while others can do things to alter that story,
God is the editor.
He intervenes when He needs to.
He adds a sentence here and there.
He erases.
He fixes.
But the story is all part of His plan.
And I simply do not believe in a God who turns a page and gets surprised.
I do not believe, for example, He spent any time last week saying, "Wow. I'm shocked. This is so not how I thought this was going to turn out for her." (And not just because God wouldn't use "so" like that.)
No.
Rather I believe in a God, my Heavenly Father, who is so involved in every detail of my life that He spent time this entire last year orchestrating things in such a way to have them play out exactly how He needed them to.
Exactly how He knew I needed them to too.
He intervened as needed.
He added a sentence here and there.
He edited.
To get the story just right.
When I can let myself believe it, I feel the deepest sense of peace.

There is a plan for your life.
There is a story that is yours.
JUST. YOURS.
And your story is where it's supposed to be.
The chapter.
The page.
The very words.
He knew exactly where you'd be right now.
And the beautiful promised ending of your story is already written.
Your future isn't any different today than it was yesterday.
And, oh, that future is good.
SO. GOOD.
I promise that is true.

Blessed be the Lord... there hath not failed ONE WORD of all his GOOD PROMISE
1 Kings 8:56

Blessed by the Lord, indeed.
What He has spoken, He has spoken.
It is already written.
Even when it doesn't feel like you can believe it...
It's still true. That's how truth works.
That's how God works.

On March 16^th, Jaime was up on her feet all day and her right leg swelled up to about twice its size. I had her stay on the couch all of Saturday and Sunday with her feet up to help the swelling go down and stay down. She had also noticed that over the last several days Xander wasn’t moving as much as he had been. On the morning of March 20^th, Jaime had an appointment with her doctor in Bellingham to monitor her blood pressure and Xander’s heart rate. Both were not as good as had been in the past, but they didn’t alert us to anything. Jaime did some shopping and made her way home and I made my way back to work. We had been preparing for Jaime to go the hospital in Seattle on Saturday the 24^th for extended monitoring and possibly staying in the hospital for an extended period of time until the pregnancy was completed. We had also prepared to have family up during the time after the 24^th to help with the kids if Jaime was out of town. After returning that afternoon, Jaime had a phone message from the doctor in Bellingham indicating that she should immediately go to Seattle and that they would be expecting us. She called me at work and I hurried home. We left the kids with friends. We weren’t sure what to expect from our trip to the hospital. Once we arrived they began monitoring Jaime and Xander to see what amount of stress was present. It was pretty obvious to us that he wasn’t doing well. Dr. Cheng came in and performed an ultra sound and let us know that Xander was not doing well at all. She told us that she could deliver him now and we could have a few minutes with him before he died or that she could wait and he would die in the womb. Then she strongly recommended delivering him right away because of Jaime’s worsening condition. She told us that there would be nothing that they could do for him. My heart sank. But I knew that if he were born to us he would always be ours because of our temple marriage. The decision for me was pretty straight forward. After Jaime and I talked we both concluded that he should be delivered so that we could have some time with him. I ran to the car and retrieved the camera that we had brought and called Jaime’s mom that Jaime would be having an emergency c-section and that Xander wouldn’t survive long. I wasn’t able to contact my parents because they were on their mission in Ukraine.

Jaime and I prayed together and I gave her a quick priesthood blessing. They moved Jaime right into the preparation for surgery and left me in the room to dress into the coveralls they had given to me and to put on the mask and hair net. I was in the room by myself for what seem like an hour, but was more like 15 or 20 minutes. I was worried for Jaime and very anxious and unsettled. I prayed again that everything would go well and that I would be able to be strong for Jaime and Xander, and I received comfort again. They brought me back to the operating room and Jaime still being prepped for the surgery. They began the c-section a few minutes later and it seemed to take a long time before the delivered Xander. Xander was born at 7:11pm and he was terribly swollen. I had not expected that he would be as swollen as he was. He was also a lot bigger than I thought he would be, but still small. His swelling really contributed to his size and weight. The doctors brought me over and had me cut his umbilical cord and wrap him up and take him over by Jaime. I don’t think that he ever took a breath, but he did move a few times and his little heart beat for about 30 minutes. I was able to hold him that whole time and I held him close to Jaime’s head so that she could touch him and kiss him. Her arms were connected to blood pressure monitors and IVs so that she couldn’t hold him. I wish she could have. She was able to put her arms up at different times and touch him. He responded to her touch by moving. I was able to give him a name and priesthood blessing very quietly under my breath. I wish I would have been louder so that Jaime could have heard, but my voice would have most likely failed me anyway. I blessed him with the name Xander Cole Southam. This is a name that came to Jaime in a revelatory manner before we knew that he was even sick. I had always wanted a boy with a name that began with the letter X and his middle name Cole is after one of my best friends growing up – Cameron Cole. I was impressed to tell Xander in the blessing that God had sent him to earth to receive a body and that he had done that. I was impressed to tell him that he was a great blessing to our family and that he was a great spirit who had proven himself before coming to earth and was needed in heaven to help in directing the work there. I was then impressed to release him from this mortal life and from his body until the resurrection when he would be reunited with us. Xander stayed with us for another 15 minutes or so after the blessing and then returned home to Heavenly Father. It was hard to hear the doctor say that he had died. Jaime was still in surgery at this point.

After Jaime’s surgery, they let us keep Xander with us in the hospital room. Jaime was able to hold him and I really broke down emotionally for the next 12 hours. Jaime seemed strengthened and uplifted and though she was sad and emotional was really very strong. It was a huge strength to me. We were able to give Xander a sponge bath on Jaime’s chest and that was a sweet experience. The doctors informed us that Jaime had lost a lot of blood in the surgery – 1.5 liters – and that she wasn’t out of the woods with her blood pressure and swelling either. It took me a couple of hours before I could call anyone. I called Jaime’s mom first to tell her and then called my sister Lynlee so that she could call everyone in my family. We were able to hold Xander, kiss him, rock him and be with him until we had them take him the next morning at 8:30. It was good to be able to be with him longer and experience him a little more. It felt as though he was still there with us in the room. It was hard to see him being taken away Jaime and I broke down again. It was during that night with Xander, that I came to understand the article above more and to understand the scriptures that say that Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. We don’t get to write our book of faith – how it develops or who we should become or what is needed for us to get there. That is because we don’t understand what is needed. We wouldn’t give ourselves the needed tests. Christ has felt all pain, trial and agony and understands who we are and what is needed for each of us. He is the editor, author or as Elder Brown put it the Great Gardener who knows what he wants us to become. My hope now is that my response to this trial is what it should be so that I can become who He wants me to be.

Jaime and I were in the hospital until the morning of Friday the 23^rd. Our good friends Susan Livingston, Keely Dick and Jill Reid stayed with our children and did really well with them. We are so appreciative. Jaime’s parents and her brother Jake and his son Dillon came up too, stopping at about 2:30am on Friday morning at the hospital on their way to our home. On the way home from the hospital we stopped at the funeral home to begin making arrangements for Xander. We also had been preparing to tell our children about Xander. Because we wanted to tell them in person, we had made sure that no one told them about Xander before we arrived home. The Kids took the news pretty hard though only Kaylynn, Paytyn and Tanner are truly old enough to understand what had happened. Saturday and Sunday we spent at home except for taking Paytyn to church for her baptismal interview with the Bishop. On Monday morning the 26^th, Jaime and I met at the funeral home to finalize the plans for Xander’s body and selected an urn that we both felt good about as well as a necklace for both of us. It was difficult and nothing felt like it was enough for Xander, but we both feel really good with where we arrived. Paytyn came home early from school as well because she was too sad. We ordered necklaces for all of the children engraved with Xander’s name and date (we call it his date because that is when he was born and died and to us that will always be Xander’s day). We had everyone watch a movie for Family home evening (The Princess Bride) and I took each child back one at a time to talk more to them about Xander and about their feelings and questions. I showed them the necklaces that we had ordered for each of them and gave them father’s blessings. Some of the council to the children in their blessings was that Xander would always be their brother and that they would meet him and get to know him more after death, that he loves them and misses them but that he is glad to be a member of our family. It was a sweet experience for them all and Marriner (who was with me for all of them) also wanted a blessing and sat very still during his. The children seem to be doing a bit better and we hope that they will be made stronger because of this experience.

On Friday, March 30^th, we received Xander in his urn and all of the necklaces that we had ordered. We had planned a memorial for him for the next day. Paytyn was baptized that night and the program was very simple and very sweet. Paytyn is such a sensitive and sweet girl. The memorial for Xander took place between General Conference sessions on Saturday the 31^st. We had the kids participate in selecting songs and giving prayers. Jaime and I both spoke – Jaime on where Xander is now and me on the Atonement. It was a sweet and simple memorial and it is apparent that the kids are still trying to find ways to deal with Xander’s death and understand it. I think that we all are struggling to some degree, but each day the feeling of being blessed takes the place of a small portion of the feelings of sadness. It is hard to believe that it has been nearly two weeks since Xander was born. Time marches on whether we want it to or not.