How are we?

I don't feel like stabbing myself  in the face when people ask me how I'm doing, so that has got to be better right? Well we wrote a lot as you can see about our experiences and I still plan on writing another post about how this day went, what we did etc.  For the most part we are doing okay.  I told a friend the other day that I think it has gotten as good as it’s going to get.   I’m mostly okay, a little more sad than I use to be, but mostly at peace.  I could imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this and I’m good with that.  A year ago I was drowning in a sea of my own wretchedness.  Now I’m not, so that’s better.  But I’m not perfect, the last few days have been hard, more crying, well sobbing really.  Gut wrenching sobbing. I could feel the anger creeping back up on me, even though I have let that go.  I was trying to find a cake to make today, because it’s his birthday and the kids want to celebrate, but as I was looking at different recipes and ideas, I just couldn’t find anything.  Then the bitterness crept in a little or maybe a lot and I thought. Yeah, none of these cakes really express how I’m feeling, like my heart is broken, why aren’t you here?, I want to beat my face in with a hammer.   So then I cried some more, took a deep breath, and prayed until I felt better and then picked a cake.  It’s not like I don’t want to celebrate his life, I do it’s just hard. I really am doing way better, I just want you to also know it’s not easy and I do have my moments of idiocy. I’m not perfect, plus our son did die, so maybe my idiocy is earned.